Catfishes

I just

Yeah I’m going to type things down now.

I was good at talking to be people and reassuring them at one point, I swear to god. In fact the people I used to know would even profusely thank me for giving them positive reinforcement in the form of rps and drawing to the point I was sincerely touched and thought I was doing something great for all of them.

But the thing is, I wasn’t. I was repetitive all the time because I would never fully understand the trouble they were going through on a personal level as far as they thought.

And look, despite what is all said and done about that silly-ass ANY WORD WILL MAKE ME FEEL BETTER bullshit I hear from people all the time

It doesn’t :U a single word or sentence really doesn’t help. There’s going to be feedback that I helped them when I really did not, and it furiates the ever loving hell out of me in the long run.

Look, I may be too young to appear like I understand anyone’s problems or tricks up their sleeves, but I sure as all hell know when there’s still something WRONG with someone and they just try to call it off by acting normal. I do it all the time. It’s not hard for me to notice patterns and mannerisms with people and when they intentionally try to recreate them. I think everyone can notice this, to be honest, which is exactly why I make sure I behave nonchalant to a T when shit like this goes through my mind.

And, the thing about that any reassurance thing, is that you have to understand their endeavors and challenges on a personal level in the first place. Which I can do, yes. I certainly think about these people and hope their day is going fine for once, and when it doesn’t go well I sincerely worry for them. But these issues are always integrated into the lifestyle of these people

and when it happens more than once I just cannot keep my advice unique and caring enough to help them.

It becomes monotonous. Another generic or cliche ‘get well soon’ from that privileged and blithe teenager that has her life cut out for her. Because it’s all I can do, and all I can do is god awful reiterations of the problem that I can’t emotionally put out how I really feel about the matter.

And then everyone thinks I don’t give a damn. Every. fucking. time.

If it’s not that then it’s a condition that I’ll just never get, and it’s just said to be better for me to watch helplessly as they explode on an emotional level and just not do anything about it. Because I don’t care, right?

Because it’s better for people having a hard time to make everyone who doesn’t speak up feel like the greatest asshole on earth and just not talk about it ever again. Then just call it off like it’s just their problem and they never meant it. But it really sticks there for me

'My friend had a personal problem and I was too much of an insensitive fuck to do anything about it so they made sure we were aware of it.'

gosh that’s not something that just flutters away easily for me. It’s an issue with myself now, not their issue with holding back, and it’s just dug up every time someone vents about being uncared for

Okay, issues aside, this dumb excuse of a I’VE DONE THIS BEFORE is real deep rooted.

In fact it’s the reason I was able to catch up real fast to the older ages, it helped me man up and act more maturely. But fuck all if it was a good thing that stimulated this

After getting told I was a good friend for so long people just suddenly stopped going out of their way to talk to me and just found others that understood them more. And even then they would still post or muse over all of their problems they have to go through after my pep talks

All of my repititon was null and void to them and they just never wanted to say that directly to me. This went on for 3 years, having no communication with these friends I so cared about and no new people discovered to hold my personal interests dear.

This developed a little something-something I call logic.

I had all the time in the world to analyze my past mistakes and consider what I’ve done wrong and what is my underlying problem. Over time, this made me very emotionally flat in the manner of spoken or written communication due to my lack thereof.

I really wish I could describe that last adjective. The point is I can feel everything on a very personal level, but I can’t turn these emotions into clear words for people to understand. It’s been a hindrance of mine, and I thought I got rid of it by taking those speech classes as a child, but lo and behold it’s been with me forever.

That wasn’t a white lie. I literally had to take elementary speech classes to learn how to communicate my feelings towards people better, and I only now wish I spent more time absorbing my teacher’s advice.

But you know what, I particularly mentioned that this was only for my vocal and written communication skills. Not my visual arts skills.

If I ever go out of my way to draw someone else’s oc or character or even capture their emotional or plot actions to perfection, it’s a sign of deep respect and consideration for their thoughts and ideas without stumbling over my words or repeating myself by trying to communicate them.

If I jot your characters or ideas down in even the simplest doodles it means I really like the way it was all planned out, and I’m very glad to be a part of it and that I hope by capturing your character’s soul into their emotions you understand that I really care about this. Even if my reaction is a ‘meh’ to feedback, it really touches me to hear that I got it right.

And seeing even a hint of a reaction to my own personal characters? hoo boy.

It’s the real beauty of that all that set me down this path towards being a good artist, you know.

But despite all that is said, communication is key

and all that is sensitive and loyal of me to think of my friends, will be bogged down by these issues that I desperately try to give feedback for

each time with little more than a measly typed reaction to them, a repetitive cycle to be ignored and taken as avoiding the problems they are having

again

and again

and again

until everyone just goes back to thinking

I just don’t care.

Perhaps this is all a behavioral issue with me. There has been lots of times now where I just think deep down that I may have to see a trained doctor about this, because there could really be something wrong with me, being unable to put my thoughts into sincere and thorough sentences. But at the same time, I don’t really want to hear the real answer to that.

The realization of this has always come and gone like a cycle, and the last thing I want to hear after all this time is that something wrong happened during my development as a child and that I’ve just had to deal with this without knowing for the last many years, when I needed to go further and take medication for it all this time

Or maybe I was just a robot disguised as a perfect human like a snatcher all this time and just came to terms with it. Beep Boop Random Hajile.